Step 1: Set your coffee grinder to the most coarse setting known to fxxking humanity. For a decent cold brew, you want your coffee to have a breadcrumb-like consistency. If you’ve already ordered a bag of fine ground, you’re in for a bad time. It’ll be a cloudy, grimy tasting beverage. Akin to drinking muddied water from the hoof of a dead antelope, but hey, each to their own. 

Step 2: Get your jar clean and ready. A mason jar will make things easier, as you’ll need to cover your coffee mix up overnight. To be honest you can use anything glass, as long as you stick makeshift lid on it. Don’t go all avant-garde with this shit though. You don’t want to be using some fxxking massive Pyrex bowl, that would be shit-nuts mental.

Step 3: Put your coffee in the jar and cover it with cold water (not luke warm or tepid, fxxking cold). You should aim for a 1:8 coffee to water ratio. If you’re making one large coffee (around 450ml) you’ll roughly need about 25 – 30g of coffee.

Step 4: Stir the mutha fxxker gently and when the mix gets blended throughout, close the jar (or put your makeshift lid on) and let it steep for about 18 to 24 hours. If you want, you can stick it in the fridge. It doesn’t really matter because you’ll be serving it over ice anyways.

Step 5: Pour your coffee mix through a sieve and into a glass or your second jar or whatever container you have around, NOT a fxxking Pyrex bowl though. This will help to get rid of the larger coffee grounds. Tuck your muslin or a sheet of kitchen roll into the sieve and pour your coffee back into jar one. Repeat a couple of times, until you’re left with a no cloudy residue at the bottom.

Step 6: Serve over ice cubes with milk. Et viola, mutha fxxking cold brew.