Step 1: Boil enough water to fill the Cafetière / French press. If you don’t boil enough, your ears will fall off, your favourite newsreader will set on fire and your children’s children will be cursed with gout (only fxxking joking).

Step 2: While the water is heating, grind your coffee and stick some tunes on (Womack and Womack would be a good choice). This really needs to be a coarse grind, if it’s too fine, it will be like you’re drinking fxxking space dust. We recommend starting with a 1:12 coffee-to-water ratio. So if you’re using 350ml of water, you’ll need 30 grams of coffee. Add the grounds to the cafetiere / French press.

Step 3: Gently pour about twice the amount of water than you have coffee onto your grounds. For example, if you have 30 grams of coffee, you’ll want to start with 60ml of water. Give it a gentle stir and leave for 30 seconds. Don’t stir it like some mad fxxker who’s just spent the last 3 days inhaling butane, or you’ll ruin it. 

Step 4: Pour in the remaining water and place the lid on top. Don’t plunge the fxxker yet, it needs to sit for about 4 minutes. If you plunge too early, your fxxking kitchen will explode.

Step 5: Press the filter down gently (don’t push down like a bewildered gibbon who got the keys to uncle Tony’s steroid cabinet). Boooooooom, fxxking awesome coffee awaits.