Step 1: Boil enough water to fill the base up to the side valve. You can do this on the top of your stove or by filling it with your kettle (sorry, bit fxxking obvious that).

Step 2: Add coffee grounds or grind about 20 grams of coffee (or enough to fill your Moka basket) to a fine consistency. If it’s not fine, you’ve fxxked it and will be banished to the bowels of the earth.

Step 3: Put the filter basket into the brewer bottom and fill the basket with the coffee. Level it off with your finger , or a scraper, or a stuffed elk (we don’t give a fxxk). Brush away loose grounds on the top edge of the filter basket.

Step 4: Screw the top and bottom together. The bottom will be fxxking hot, probably on a par with touching Satan’s arse, so use a towel or some shit to stop your hand from getting incinerated.

Step 5: Stick the pot on the stove on a medium-ish heat. If the water erupts upward like a fxxking crazed dwarf volcano, your water’s way too hot and needs turning down. If it trickles like someone with a prostate issue, then the heat is on too low.

Step 6: When the coffee stops bubbling out, serve it. Get the coffee away from the Moka pot as soon as you fxxking can, otherwise you could fxxk up all your hard work and you may as well just go back to bed and weep. You can dilute with hot water if you want, depending on how you quaff it.